The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
What flavor cupcake are these
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME