My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
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I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
Good boy 😂😂
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
[reaches into pocket for car keys]
Hand: I got nothing
Brain: they only ever go in that pocket
Hand: well I’m here & they’re not so
Brain: so we’re walking cos I put them in there & if they’re not there then they’re lost
Other hand: holy shit you guys are not gonna believe this
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?