ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
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3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*