WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
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My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
Text from my best friend: Please take your mom with you to the salvage yard when you pick up that part & introduce her as your mechanic
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
My kid asked me what day of the week it is and I wish she wouldn’t ask me such hard questions
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)