doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
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science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.