the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
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Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Good boy 😂😂
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.