Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
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the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I hate my earbuds.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.