HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
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Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
The world: “That movie is abysmal trash and should never have been made.”
Horror fans: “I own it on VHS, DVD, blu-ray and 4K and watch it twice a year.”
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Going home on lunch breaks is great till you realize that means you have to go to work twice
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.