Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
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I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
Took my mom to a steakhouse for dinner and she ordered the salmon. And I just feel like this is a metaphor for our entire relationship.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh