Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
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[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
Oh no. My girlfriend sold her hair to buy me a pocket watch chain and I also bought myself a pocket watch chain.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
Kid being grounded in 1978:
YOU CAN’T GO OUTSIDE. YOU MUST STAY IN YOUR ROOM.
Kid being grounded in 2018:
YOU CAN’T STAY IN YOUR ROOM. YOU MUST GO OUTSIDE.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.