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Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
My flabber has been gasted.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor