We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
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I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
As I exposed my glorious chest hairs & catapulted toward the Velcro wall, I realized that I had no exit strategy.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
choose your fighter
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
Even my cats are sick of the snow..They meow to go out..I open the door..and they freeze and look at me like “WHY is this shit still here?”
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows