the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
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Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
i baked you a cake
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”