God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
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doctor: you’re going to di-
me: disney?
doctor: no
Being a civilian in a city of superhero’s must be so long 😭
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
😅😅😅
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.