6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Me: I鈥檓 sorry, but I don鈥檛 think I鈥檒l ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won鈥檛 say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
I am a:
鈿笍 man
鈿笍 woman
馃敇 gooseLooking for:
鈿笍 men
鈿笍 women
馃敇 bread
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I鈥檓 out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Her: Stop telling my friends you鈥檙e a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!