Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
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Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
good work, detective
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks