My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
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Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
“I’d like to speak with a manager”
I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own and If I leave now I might lose their trust.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*