These fireworks are awesome! High four!
You Might Also Like
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
Cause of death: Trying to draw eyebrows on the neighbor’s cat.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
time for some seasonal decor
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.