*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
*seductively corrects your posture*
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.