To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
What kind of a cult is this?
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die