I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
You Might Also Like
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field
Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”
Me: No I want to get hit by lightning
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
don’t worry, i’m not like other girls
*head slowly rotates 360*
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
[Interview]
Why do you want this job?
Me: *opens briefcase* I don’t.
*pulls out Snickers*
I just wanted to eat this without my kids around
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific