If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
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being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
So after 75 long days, this week is finally over
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Bed should get ready for ME
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us