Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
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Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Become ungovernable.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
Catercrombie & Fish
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.