Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
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If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I’m having an out of money experience.
Me: [eating apple & staring out window] It really works.
*roving gang of doctors walk past house*
*feral teacher crashes through window*
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
magician: who wants to volunteer to get sawed in half
[raises my hand]
magician: and then… put back together
[lowers my hand]
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”