I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
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Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Many hands make light work
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
nature’s most graceful animal
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Every haunted house movie:
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)