Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
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The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Going into Monday like
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.