Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
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“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
my friends: “im not a hater but-”
me: “dont worry i am”
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If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.