Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
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what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
A wise man once said nothing.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.