*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Imagine getting married and you write your own vows and it’s beautiful and everyone is sobbing and after the wedding your husband hands you the vows he wrote down in a sweet glass case to keep forever and you read them and the first line reads “your my soulmate”
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
BaD BoY!!
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night