If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated
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Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.