I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
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I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”