*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
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“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
Expect the unexporcupine.