*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
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Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!
*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Usage Guidelines
when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”