I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
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I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.