I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
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TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Krampus.
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.