[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
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“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
*stops lecturing woman in white lab-coat and turns to camera*
“When my doctor first told me I was a ‘mansplainer’, I had a lot of answers.”
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
pep talk
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*