Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
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If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
I just want the confidence of my grandpa in church taking a call from the pharmacy on speaker phone to confirm his Viagra prescription.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.