to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
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I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
AI could never write that episode of Bones where the serial killer imprinted malware onto the victim’s bones, so when they got scanned in the lab the computers got a virus and set themselves on fire
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.