FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
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Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
No point crayon over spilled milk.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.