Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
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Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
i’m gonna write my will in cursive. if you want your inheritance, you’re gonna have to work for it
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.