“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
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*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
doctor: i have the results of your cholesterol test
me: did i pass? haha
doctor: no but you will very soon
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
get you a girl who
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Leonardo DiCaprisun