Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.