The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem
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Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
A new level of troll.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.