Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
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getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
That lamp looks PISSED.
ATTENTION: Can the owner of the ‘MarioKart Champion’ tshirt return to security? There are several women here who’d like to have sex with you
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears