I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
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accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
[at dinner]
Wife: This is terrible.
Me: Horrible.Waiter: Hey folks, how’s your food?
(simultaneously)
Wife: Amazing! Me: Fantastic!
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Guard dog? Service dog? Yeah, yeah…
When earth is invaded by evil aliens that look like pony tail holders, our cat will be a hero.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.