law suits: quality garments for lawyers
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Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
Canada’s got it right, when they don’t want a citizen, they just convince them they have talent so they move to the US. #JustinBeiber
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
As a kid my mom laughed at me because I was always worrying about being shot with a crossbow while on the toilet. Well who’s laughing now?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
guilty
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill