Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
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Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂