An erotic footjob under a restaurant table can go bad real fast
when your feet miss their mark…just ask my father-in-law.
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Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.