I have literally never stopped thinking about this
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My husband was so excited to finally have a kid that shared his love for baseball until the bottom of the 8th when she loudly asked “is this baseball or football?”
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Neighbor was watering her plants as if they owed her money like how would YOU like to be waterboarded lady
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.