Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
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V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
“Why you watching this shit?”
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
*gets down on one knee*
Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
Someone said “30 years ago”, and my mind went to the 1970s, but they meant 1994, and now I need to lie down.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.